left_handed_violist's Xanga

Things

Sun, 11 Jan 2009 04:43:38 GMT

Don't talk so loudly, and please stop talking so goddamn much. Jesus H. Christ. Also, don't video chat for over four hours in said loud-ass voice until after 3 am on a school night. I contemplate putting a bullet in the back of your head more times than I can count...basically whenever I hear your voice, saying something retarded. GOD I WISH YOU WOULD STOP SPEAKING RIGHT NOW.

Don't be such a fucking psycho. Muslims are not all car-bombing jihadists. Honestly? How the fuck can you go here; I thought I could escape stupid people here. Also, please stop telling people not to see Frost/Nixon because David Frost said it was completely inaccurate and a terrible movie. That's called "making shit up." After you left, I showed said people Frost's exact quotes because I knew you would flip a bitch because you were proven wrong/to be a fucking liar. Don't pretend like you have morals and tell me to become an ethical, unbiased journalist when you are a piece of shit yourself.

Please stop mooching off me constantly. You had an au pair, therefore you are fucking rich. The only reason I am here is because of financial aid. Please stop buying your weird fucking food that you don't even eat to use my awesome food that I bought with my work-study money that I use to support myself. Also, you are not funny and often need to shut your face.

Journalism freaks--get over yourselves. No one cares you read every single publication ever made, no one cares you had a column in your local terrible paper, no one cares you know the names of all the New York Times staff members. No. One. Cares.

To all the drunks in my dorm who get mad when people besides them party - be a little bit less drunk, and a lot a bit less stupid. Also, stop getting so high that your skin looks green and you pass out in my room.

Girl down the hall - you talk like a stuck-up moron and sometimes it's really hard to suppress laughter during your frequent whiny phone calls back home. Make your voice less annoying.

To all the people here who haven't managed to piss me off yet - I thank God for you. You make my life here better and make it easier to pretend like the rest of them don't exist.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Tue, 01 Jul 2008 22:44:57 GMT

Oh, how I've missed you Brian Williams. And a reporter is broadcasting from Naperville about the shit car market! Fun.

What's not fun is being the #2 story on CNN for having a serial killer in your area. Sheley was in my brother's class. And Russell went to my church. He used to sit in the same seat every time he would come to church...he had such kind blue eyes and always had a simple little smile. It's strange that a man who lived so quietly all of his 93 years would have his life end this violently and have the entire town knowing his name. He should have been allowed to pass on peacefully in his sleep. Why do these things happen to good people, to families that have already had so much pain? I suppose these are the age old questions that you revisit countless times in the course of a life. The answers never have the decency to reveal themselves.

After my visit to Chicago, I decided I'm definitely ready to be out of Sterling and thriving on my own. Well, hopefully thriving. Even though I've wanted it for so long, I didn't know whether I could make it, but I think last week convinced me I can do it. Sooo...yay summer. Last as long as you'd like, but I'll be ready come September.

Oh life, it's bigger
it's bigger than you
and you are not me

HI

Sat, 19 Apr 2008 22:24:57 GMT

I forgot about this. Sorry Xanga. I'm not even writing in Century Gothic. This is a crime against nature.

So I'm going to Northwestern University, surprise! Why did I worry so much? Because if I hadn't, I probably wouldn't have gotten in. I'm really scared about being relatively alone with many new kinds of personalities surrounding me, but I think I will make the best of it. Of course, the main reasons I'm going are 1. job insurance 2. location 3. great education 4. location 5. I have to admit, the prestige.
Yay, there are a couple terrible reasons for choosing a college on that list.

Visiting Drew will cost $24-ish. It could be a lot worse.

SCHOOL--BE OVER!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 03:04:37 GMT

He doesn't understand. Why should he?
Maybe I expect too much.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Fri, 28 Sep 2007 03:07:23 GMT

Not only do I want to press the fast-forward button, I want to hit it twice.

With all these application essays, I've been forced to assess myself. The problem is, there are too many layers of bullshit to get a sufficient answer on who I am. I'm ambitious yet unmotivated, caring yet unconcerned, confident yet indecisive. Everytime I sit down and attempt to write, I feel like a complete liar. How am I supposed to "show my personality" when I'm not even sure of what that is?

The only thing I've come up with at all is that I'm slapstick comedy--all superficial with no class, and worst of all, you can't put it down on paper. There's no trace of wit, or brilliance, or creativity. Sure, I'm pretty decent at faking things, but do I really want to start off with a completely false pretense in college?
I know it actually wouldn't matter once I was accepted, but it would give me a little piece of mind to know I could attract attention simply by being myself rather than someone who only sounds humorous or intelligent in writing.

I've already given this idea way too much thought. Why can't I pretend and be satisfied like I usually am?

Oh yeah, because I'm not.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Sat, 18 Aug 2007 17:05:52 GMT

I was all ready to have a great year (sort of.) We haven't even started school, and it's already ruined. Awesome.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 02:54:05 GMT

If there's one thing I will take away from B.L.I.N.D. camp this year, aside from the incredible stuff we did, I will remember this song.

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was

Used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
but I'm not who I was
I found my way around to forgiving you
sometime ago
But I never got to tell you... so

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know I'm not who I was
You were there you were right above me
and I wonder if you ever loved me
just for who I was

When the pain came back like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do, to keep myself from blaming you

Thinkin' its a funny thing, I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
maybe cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinking maybe I should let you know
that I am not the same
but I never did forget your name
Hello

And the thing I find most amazing in amazing grace
is the chance to give it up
maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Thu, 12 Jul 2007 21:39:38 GMT

I am ridiculously frustrated right now. Not because of any specific event (well, okay, I could name a few,) but because everything's falling apart at the exact same time.
The major issue currently is realizing that people are lazy and have no sense of obligation. They will moan and carry on about how much they want change, but when it comes down to it, they'd rather sit on their asses than do something. Well, that's not true, they will go out of their way to avoid their responsibilities, so I guess that counts as something. (Not really directed at anyone or anything--just a building observation I'm coming to terms with.)
The next is college. I want so much to go to NU, truly more than I can recall wanting anything ever before. It's my dream, if you will. If I were accepted, my mother said I would be able go if I could get the fin. aid, scholarships, etc., to get the price down to $20,000 a year, which is extremely unlikely. The reason she says this is because she believes (and I know) my father will not help pay for my college education. She says he's really pushing for U of I. My question is, why should his opinion matter if he's not even going to help with the cost? (They have separate accounts, in case you were wondering.) I really sympathize with those whose parents who cannot/will not help pay for their education, and I'm grateful that I have at least one that can and will, but since my father is capable of contributing and just refuses, I'm a little bit resentful. It seems to me, especially recently, all he's ever concerned with is his pride and his pocketbook. My father started out at a junior college and seems to think it's an acceptable path for everyone. I don't mean to offend anyone, you can get by just fine and be successful after attending one, but for me, I feel like NU is exactly what I need for what I want to do in life. Back to the father issue, maybe I'll elaborate further another time, but I must be going to the Obama training session.

Friday, June 29, 2007

Fri, 29 Jun 2007 18:53:46 GMT

Oh love it's a brittle madness, I sing about it in all my sadness
It's not falsified to say that I found God
Inevitably, well it still exists pale and fine I can't dismiss
And I won't resist and if I die well at least I tried

And we just lay awake in lust and rust in the rain
And pour over everything we say we trust
It happened again, I listened in through hallways and thin doors
Where the rivers unwind and the rust and the rain endure
(the rust and the rain endure. I'm sure.)

I am insofar to know the measure of love isn't loss
Love will never ever be insofar to know the measure of love isn't loss
Love will never ever be lost on me.
Love will never ever be lost on me.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 15:35:31 GMT

It's almost like you don't exist. I hate it.

(Oleander holly, crimson feet of collie, beautiful and lovely, my baby, the only one who really understands me)